


Was Okay With It.

by cahaya



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, im gonna die, im so sorry if its bad, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 07:04:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cahaya/pseuds/cahaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: It was true, what they said, that you can’t control love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Was Okay With It.

**Author's Note:**

> i woke up with tears on my eyes and this happened.  
> i cant edit this (because its too sad okay)

He was supposed to be in love with Louis.

Not Taylor,

He tried, he really did. But maybe he didn’t try hard enough, because if he did, things wouldn’t be like this, if Harry was in love with Louis, he wouldn’t be sitting on a hospital floor, hands covering his sobbing face, eyes red from tears and mind hurting from death.

No, if he was in love with Louis, no one would hate him, Jay wouldn’t be crying because she just lost her son, Daisy and Phoebe wouldn’t be standing there, yelling and screaming at Harry for hurting their brother, crying hard with the rest of their sisters because they… just lost their protector, because they had lost Louis Tomlinson.

If Harry was in love with Louis, everyone would be happy.

But, he wasn’t.

Harry Styles was not in love with Louis Tomlinson and the world was an echo, all because of Harry.

O….O….O…..O….O

When they first started dating, Johanna gave Harry a ‘talk’ about her son, Harry thought that it was going to be a humiliating conversation, but it turned out Jay begged Harry to not hurt Louis, Harry was so smug and so sure that he wasn’t, so he just smiled and nodded.

“He’s vulnerable, he… always thinks low of himself.” Harry wanted to cut Jay down, saying that was impossible, that Louis is the most confident person that he ever met, but before Harry could say a word, Jay began to speak again. “You may think that that was not true, but it is, Louis may act like he’s the leader, like he’s the one who can dominate people, but he’s not and he knows that he’s not.”

Harry just stared at her in confusion, not getting where that conversation was going.

Jay took a deep breath, “He’s the oldest, Harry. Out of them five, Louis is the older brother, and it’s in every first child’s nature to think that the rest of their younger siblings’ lives are half of their responsibilities. When Mark and I got divorced, he was the one who calmed Lottie, he was the one who slept with Fizzy because she was scared of storms and I couldn’t be there for her, he was so busy calming his sisters down that he forgot himself, he was hurting too and he pulled his feelings aside for them.”

Harry furrowed his eyebrow as he shook his head, “Jay… I don’t understand where this is going…” he said to her, but Jay just gave him a small smile before continuing.

“Louis is self-conscious, I’m sure that you’ve caught him pinching his tummy? Or always put a pillow on his lap when he sits so that he can use it to cover his stomach? He thinks that he’s ugly, he once told me he was afraid that he was not good enough to be in the band, the only reason he even went to the X-Factor was because his friends forced and threatened him to and he thought that he didn’t deserve to be called back, you didn’t know that, did you?” she asked him, Jay might be small but she sure was big enough to intimidate Harry by her stern gaze. So Harry just nodded, letting Jay go on.

Jay sighed before she talked,-“He always uses humor to ignore insults, he may seem like he doesn’t care what people think about him, but he does, Harry, he does care. I just… I just want to tell you that Louis always thinks that he’s not good enough, he always thinks that he doesn’t deserve anything, he thinks very, very low of himself, he may not show it to the world, but he is, Louis is self-conscious and… I hope that you dating him, can help my son change his perspective of himself, I love him so much, Harry… don’t hurt Louis, yeah?” she smiled fondly at him, pecking his cheek before leaving the kitchen with a glass of water in her hands.

Harry was sixteen at that moment, and if had been a little bit older, maybe he would’ve listened to her.

And if Harry had listened to what Jay had said, this wouldn’t have happen.

O…O…O…O….O

When the management found out about their romantic relationship, the room was chaotic, there was yelling and screaming, Harry got mad at their managers, because what right did they have to forbid Harry and Louis dating? And the management was mad because if the world found out that two members of One Direction were gay, they would lose money.

In the end, Management won, Harry and Louis had signed their contract after all.

O…O….O…O…O

Harry called Louis an attention whore when he agreed to be the one with a beard.

Harry was so pissed at the management for forcing them to hide ‘in the closet’, he was so pissed at the paps because of those photos they had taken, he was so pissed at the public for being so judgmental and he was so angry at Louis for acting like he was the management’s little pet, agreeing at everything they told him to do.

But Louis sat there on their couch with a guilty look on his face, while Harry was screaming and yelling, calling Louis names that the smaller boy thought would never come out of his mouth.

They slept on a different bed that night.

Harry stormed to his room and slammed the door hard making Louis winced, and the moment when Harry was gone from his sight, Louis let out a sob, he tried to take a deep breath so he could calm himself down, but then his tears were coming and he couldn’t stop sobbing. He felt awful, he felt useless, and he felt that he wasn’t good enough for Harry. He felt that everything he did had always gone wrong, and that was the moment when Louis Tomlinson thought that he was worthless, no one knew that, no one but him, because Louis kept it to himself.

Louis never wanted to share his grief with anybody else, he didn’t want to be a burden, I guess being the oldest in the family taught that to you, Louis was used to keeping his misery to himself.

Little did we know, little did the world know, little did Harry know that the reason why Louis agreed to be with a beard was because he knew that Harry was the front man of the band, he was the leader, everyone usually knew Harry first, then maybe Zayn, Niall or Liam. But Louis would always be the last, people recognize him as the unimportant member. And Louis knew if Harry was the one with the cover up, the fans would be disappointed, because Harry was everyone’s favorite, while Louis was not, he was their least.

O…O…O….O…O…O

They both made up, Louis kept saying sorry to Harry, (even though it was not his fault) and thankfully the taller boy forgave him.

Things were going okay, until they released their second album, turns out that Modest was co-operating with Taylor Swift’s management, and they thought that it would make One Direction bloom if the front man of the band was dating their star. Apparently, Taylor was done with her ‘Red’ album too.

Harry hadn’t meant to fall in love with her, really. But she was so pretty, and she was a girl, and they were allowed to be seen together, and the world loved them. She was kind too; humble and just perfect and she made Harry forget about Louis, she made him happy when he saw magazines with Elounor photos in them.

Louis knew that, he could see the change in Harry since Taylor had been interfering with their lives, Harry grew distant. He rarely went home, leaving Louis alone in their bed, worrying about his boyfriend.

O…O….O….O…O…O

Harry thought ending things with Louis would be the hardest thing to do, he thought that Louis would scream, yell at Harry, accusing that the bigger boy had cheated on him with Taylor. Harry had imagined what would happen, Louis saying bad things about her, being mad at Harry, crying and throwing things. Harry had expected that to happen.

But no, Harry certainly didn’t think that this is how Louis would react.

Louis was sitting on their couch, wearing one of Harry’s worn out sweaters that was too large for his tiny and short frame, legs tucked beneath him, hands playing softly with the hem of the sweater, showing his tanned thighs to the sight. And he, he looked unsurprised, like he had been waiting for this moment to come.

God, it hurt Harry seeing him like this, Louis looked so small and breakable, he was looking at his hands, not letting Harry see the emotions on his face.

Louis then took a deep shuddered breath before he looked up at him, his eyes were red and glistening with tears but the small boy just smiled sweetly at Harry as he hugged himself, like he was cold and he needed protection.

“I-I can’t say that I’m surprise” said Louis with his soft voice.

“Why?” breathed Harry.

Louis chuckled softly as he trailed his eyes to the coffee table, where their photos were standing. “I watched it once, you know. I know what it looks like when you fall in love, Hazza…” then he looked at Harry fondly, there’s no anger on his face, just… just fondness.

Harry couldn’t help but look away from Louis, he can’t look at him when0 all he could see on Louis’ face was just fucking fondness, he had been waiting for Louis’ screams and yells, Harry could deal with those, but he couldn’t deal with Louis looking so small, so innocent, so sweet, God, he wasn’t mad at Harry, he wasn’t mad at his (ex) boyfriend for breaking up with him because Harry was in love with another girl, Louis just sat there, and smiled lovingly at Harry, there was no trace of anger on his face, just a little… disappointment.

“Lou… I-I promise nothing’s happened, we… we haven’t. I-I couldn’t do that to you. “Harry said with a choked voice.

Louis just smiled at him as he got up slowly from the couch “I know. You’re a great person, Harry… you-you wouldn’t do that”

Harry hated it, he hated that Louis was so okay with the fact that Harry was hurting him, he was pliant about it. And Harry just wanted to throw himself off a cliff for hurting this amazing, beautiful, sweet boy who already thought so low of himself. Then Louis walked to Harry, standing on his tippy toes as he wrapped his arms around the bigger boy’s neck and Harry choked on his own tears before wrapping his large arms around Louis ‘ slender back, he felt so warm, tiny and perfect against Harry.

God, even Louis was smaller than Taylor.

If the circumstances were different, Harry would never do this to Louis.

But Harry was in love with Taylor, not with the boy in his arms.

O…O….O….O…O

Louis was not okay with it, he wasn’t.

When Harry moved out to Taylor’s apartment, Louis broke. He went to Harry’s old room and cried on the bed still full of his ex-lover’s smell, Louis sobbed as he pulled his hair, he clawed his nails onto his skin as he tried to create a physical pain, he slammed his head into the headboard until his head was bleeding, he wanted to hurt himself so that he could forget this emotional agony.

Louis didn’t want to cry in front of Harry because he knew that the taller boy would feel sorry for him and Louis couldn’t let that happened, he loved Harry so much that he knew if Taylor could make Harry happy, he was okay with it, he hadto be okay with it.

Louis knew that he could never be good enough for him, he knew that he was not as great as her, I mean, if Harry could have Taylor why would he go after someone like Louis? That fat and annoying boy from One Direction, he couldn’t even sing! His voice was too high, and he was ugly, so it was obvious that Harry would choose Taylor and leave Louis behind, like everyone else did.

He always taught himself that he couldn’t let anyone know if he was in pain, that it was a selfish thing to do if you dare to show the world your misery, you wouldn’t want to be a burden, would you, Louis?

So then he pretended like nothing had happened. He told his mum, that he was fine. He told his band mates that he was happy for Harry. Louis even befriended Taylor, although every time he watched Harry kiss his new girlfriend, he could feel his heart shatter to pieces.

But Louis was okaywith it, if Harry was happy then he should be happy for him too, because Louis would always be in love with Harry Styles and he would do anything for him.

Since the break-up happened, Louis decided that maybe, he wasn’t worth anything at all, maybe God had destined him to be lonely for the rest of his life, or maybe Louis was just too worthless to make anyone around him care about himself, maybe he was not good enough.

And Louis had accepted that.

O…O…O…O…O…O

There was a fan who hated Taylor very much for dating Harry, brought a gun to a movie premiere where the whole band was.

When that fan aimed her gun at Taylor’s head and pulled down the trigger, Louis pushed the blonde girl away, he jumped in front of her, making himself the bullet’s target, and the last thing he remembered before everything went black was Harry’s scream.

Maybe Harry was screaming for Taylor’s safety, not Louis’. But that was okay, because if he died, the last thing he heard was Harry’s voice.

O…O…O…O…O

There was a big silence, before an echo, right after the gun shot was heard, people were panicking, they thought that Taylor had been shot, but when they saw Taylor get up with a shocked face and there was right beside her, Louis Tomlinson lying in a pool of his own blood and his eyes were blank.

Harry screamed when he realized what happened, Louis took a bullet for Taylor, he sacrificed himself for the girl who took the boy he loved. Harry screamed for help as he kneeled down to Louis, he begged the bleeding boy to stay alive, everything was spinning, people were moving so fast and the next thing Harry knew he was sitting on a hospital couch, clothes soaked by Louis’ own blood as he, Taylor and the rest of the band waiting for Louis to wake up.

The doctor said that Louis had lost a lot of blood, that the gun had ruined half of his brain’s function and there was no guarantee that Louis would make it alive.

Harry felt like someone just punched his stomach, Louis was dying, he was dying because he tried to protect Taylor.

Harry cried, he yelled to the doctor, threatening the hospital if Louis died, he would sue them. There was a great madness, Harry throwing things, punching the securities, he yelled as he blamed the world, he blamed that fucking fan with the gun, and he blamed Louis for being too fucking good and noble.

Johanna and her children flew immediately from Doncaster to London the moment they heard the news, Jay rushed to Louis’s room as she broke down in front of the door, there she saw her son laying on the hospital bed, with tubes in his throat to help his breathing, looking so small and breakable.

A nurse told her that it was better to let Louis go, that the only thing keeping her son alive was that large machine behind his bed, the one that kept pumping his blood, the man in scrubs told Jay that Louis was in a great pain that no painkillers could reduce his agony.

But apparently, God was on their side, Louis woke up, although he couldn’t do anything expect blink his eyes and move his fingers. Harry choked on his own tears, he cried as he walked to Louis’ bed, he smiled and stroked the smaller boy’s bald head from the brain surgery, Louis looked so weak and tired. He blinked twice at Harry before closing his eyes again.

“Louis! Thank goodness!” cried Jay as she covered her mouth with her hands, fighting the urge to run and hug her son tightly. Louis opened his eyes when he heard his mother’s voice, he blinked twice before closing them again, not having the strength to open his eyes that long because of the pain in his body.

Harry heard the sound of Louis’ heartbeats dropping, he felt like a rush of pain just hit his body as he saw Louis’ cerulean eyes staring at his green ones, and he knew that look, Louis was giving him the “I love you” from his eyes, and in that very moment Harry knew, it was the last time he would see Louis’ beautiful cerulean eyes again.

Then the curly haired boy could feel it, Louis’ soul being pulled away from his body, the rhythm of beep, beep, beep turned into a flat painful sound, he saw Johanna cry as she lunged herself to Louis’s lifeless body, shaking her dead son, begging him to wake up.

“NO! BOO! WAKE UP!”

Harry could hear his band mate’s sobs, he could hear Niall’s cries, he could feel Zayn crumbling down to his feet, he knew that Liam was trying hard not to scream, he knew that Liam would be blaming Taylor and Harry for Louis’ death.

And for once, He didn’t mind.

If Harry wasn’t dating Taylor, then that fan wouldn’t have hated her, no one would want to shoot Taylor, and Louis wouldn’t have to put himself in front of the girl Harry loved and take that fucking bullet.

But Harry couldn’t help it, he couldn’t force love, he wasn’t in love with Louis, and he hated himself for it.

Harry just stood there, paralyzed as the nurses took tubes from Louis’ small body, he heard Louis’s sisters’ screams, he saw Lottie run to her brother, shaking him just like Jay did a few moments ago, he could hear Fizzy’s voice asking him, what happened, Harry? How could you let this happen to, Lou? Why did you let him do it?!

The curly haired lad finally cried when he realized that Louis, that sweet little Louis who always thought much less of himself had died, for taking a bullet so that Harry’s girlfriend could be alive. Louis, the guy that Harry just broke the heart of, sacrificed himself for Taylor. Louis was now dead because he thought that he was not good enough and the world would be better without him. He had protected Taylor’s life because he thought that if she had died, Harry would be ruined and Louis loved her boyfriend too much to let it happen, so Louis did what an angel would do, he gave his life to Taylor.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr:emeraldloveshiscerulean


End file.
